The broken hero
by Last.one.02
Summary: Gibbs thinks about his life. About his relationships and how he is always wrong. How he keeps on failing and how is supposed to be strong, because he is the hero to some people.    Ispired by the song Superman  it's not easy   - Five for Fighting.


Gibbs has been a hero to other people. He was in war, he saved lives as well as took them. Now he investigates crimes, looks for missing marines and resolves mysteries. And he is good at it. He is a hero for some people, a superman in little kids view. He has his team – people who he respects, though he never says it to them, he has Abby - a girl he adores, of course Ducky – one of his oldest friends in NCIS and... well that's all he haves right now. At job he is always the best, hardly mistaken and never caring. At least others think so. He rarely shows his feelings, but never talks about them. He is not expecting anyone to ask if he is okay or support him, because he never tells about his problems. He has never told anyone about his broken heart. Some days he feels like he doesn't even have it anymore. Has gave it away in little pieces.

His heart causing him a lot of pain. He gave it away the first time he saw Shannon. He thought he was going to spend the rest of his life with her. At first it went like that. They were happy and soon they got a little girl named Kelly. He was as happy as he could be – he had his family and it was everything he wanted. He never wanted to lose them, but they were killed while he was in Kuwait. He got the news there and he felt pain and guilt. If he hadn't been a marine, then he would have been home and they would have been safe. Also they would have lived in Washington DC and Shannon wouldn't have seen a murder. Then she'd still be alive and they would live happily together. But she is dead and so is Kelly. His family is dead and he was broken by that. He killed the man, who got them killed, but it didn't take away the pain. It was still there. He couldn't change it and he cried. He cried a lot and then he drank a lot. Tried to ease the pain, but he couldn't. It's the pain that never really goes away. Shannon had told him, that he is her hero, her superman. He promised to keep them safe, but he failed. He failed to her. He failed to himself. He failed as a hero.

After Shannon's death he tried to replace her. He married Ginger soon after that. It was a marriage, that wasn't meant to last from the beginning. He was still mourning for his first wife and daughter, but he never told about it to Ginger. The marriage was based on nothing, it was just his way to grief for Shannon. Somehow he felt something deep towards Ginger, but it wasn't half as much as he felt for Shannon. They divorced. Gibbs felt the guilt after that. He made promises to her, but then he wanted to leave her. He was yet again hero for someone, but then he again failed. Marriage is meant to last forever not as short as that one. He was feeling pain and guilt, but not the pain he felt with Shannon. Ginger was meant to replace Shannon, but it never happened. He was wrong. The superman he was for Ginger let her down. And then she was gone and he was gone. He never saw her again.

It didn't took him long, when he realized that love is possible. He had met Diane. He believed she was the one for him. He was wrong. His grief for Shannon and Kelly was not that big anymore, but he still missed them. He'll always miss his first wife and child. He and Diane had happy times together, but then came time, when he was not ready to commit that much. It was like a wake-up call. It's like he had been sleeping and then he woke. He didn't love that woman really and despite the wows he took the 3rd time – he divorced again. Unlike Ginger, he knew what happened with Diane – she married one of his friends from FBI Tobias Fornell. They had a girl named Emily and then Fornell divorced her too. When Ginger hadn't took anything important from him, Diane cleaned his bank account. He didn't blame her, he had made her impossible to stay and he felt like failure again. He had promised to take care of someone, but then he failed her. That hero was wrong again.

Next changing moment for him was Paris, Serbia, Marseille, Positano... Europe in one word. He was first assigned to Paris with his new probie – Jennifer Shepard. He had felt his heart skipping beats every time he saw her. For the first time over years he was able to push Shannon and Kelly in the back of his mind. He never thought Jenny could be into him, but somehow they started a relationship there. It was of course a secret, but it was good and it was love. It took him little time to fall so madly in love with her. She was more than just good company on stakeouts, she was special. They had good times in Europe, but it came to an end. He had to go back home, while Jenny was assigned to another mission in Europe. He had asked her to come back home with him, but she didn't give him answer. Instead he found a dear John letter in her coat's pocket in the plane instead of her. She was gone. The pain was back inside of him. It hurt almost like he had lost his life again. He hit the bottle and this time he didn't allow himself to cry. He had to be strong. It was his mistake, but the same it didn't feel like that. He considered telling her about Shannon and Kelly, but he didn't. No-one, who didn't know him that time, knew about his family. He felt the regret then about not telling her things. She was a woman, who gave him his space and he gave her it too. She wasn't into telling everything about themselves to the other. She got the need of personal space and she never tried to invade it. She was good for him and she was gone. She was a strong and stubborn woman, but somehow he felt like she needed his protection. But he wasn't there with her. He had failed to her. Another time this hero was wrong.

After Jenny he was numb again. Before he could understand he had married again with Stephanie and moving to Moscow. Unlike previous marriages this time he was trying to replace Jenny and Shannon at some point. He had met 2 good woman and both of them were gone. Secretly he hoped that Jenny was working in Moscow too and he had a chance to meet her again. Somehow still he was married. He promised himself to make this marriage work. Apparently 14 months later he was signing a divorce paper and he was free again. Stephanie was out of his life. Yet again his wows to the God, Stephanie and himself were broken. He was again the failing hero.

He didn't marry again. He had learned his lesson. He became the super special agent Gibbs. Tough and good, always hiding everything inside of him. He hadn't been such a good hero to himself, but he was a good hero to the people he saved. He sent bad guys to the jail and let the good ones walk. He was like a God in the crime world. He felt like he could fly on the job. It wasn't easy, but he was good at it. It was the best part of him. It wasn't easy to deal with those murderers every day and that's some people thought he was more than just a bird or fly or plane, despite the fact that he didn't like flying. He wasn't like that.

Leroy Jethro Gibbs was just a man. He was just a simple man trying to do the right thing. He just happened to be a special agent solving crimes. It wasn't easy to be him. He had a dream to met Jenny or then another woman, who takes away his breath like she did and have his happily ever after. That was his dream he was following. Simple as it was, he didn't get it. He felt like he wanted to turn around on an one-way street. Some days he just wanted to fall on his knees and cry about all the pain he was keeping inside of him. He just wanted to let it go, but he couldn't since he had to be the hero for people. He was the hero for them. He was the one trying to make the world a better place by reducing crime, so people could sleep easy in nights. So everybody but him was safe. He wanted to scream inside, smash something, to release the anger inside of him. To let it all go, but he couldn't. Somehow he just couldn't open himself up and destroy everything inside.

One day after a really tough case and memories of Shannon and Kelley he went to his basement and fell on his knees. He screamed and then he felt his tears start to fall. He tried to stop it, but he couldn't. The tears just kept on falling down. He supported his head on his hands. He just let it all out. He didn't cry about only Shannon and Kelley, he cried also about Jenny, all the failed marriages, all good people that were killed and he solved the crime, all his co-workers in NCIS that have died... He cried about everything he had gone through for the past years. He released it all in one moment. He felt like he was bleeding everywhere, like every part of him was hurting. He wanted to rip out his heart to stop the pain and hurt and bleeding. He just wanted to be free, not care and just be. So on that day he let out his pain, tears... he let himself bleed for once. That was the only time he let his feelings show in a long time. He was the hero and heroes have the right to bleed once in awhile.

It's not easy to be Leroy Jethro Gibbs – a here. It was anything but easy to be that man, but he managed to play his part well. He was a hero despite the obstacles on his way. He was the superman that made people feel safe. That was him.


End file.
